Chantal Kuvi-Mendieta - Consular Agent, Global Affairs Canada

Chantal Kuvi-Mendieta works for Global Affairs Canada, in the Los Angeles embassy.

In 2011, Kuvi-Mendieta is the one who actually issued the emergency travel document for my deportation to Canada case note, 2011-08-22.

And later, in 2013, while I was again in ICE custody, I spoke with her briefly. I was amazed by her incredible level of stupidity. Let me clarify:

• Kuvi-Mendieta told me I need to provide my Canadian birth certificate or passport, to establish Canadian citizenship.
• I told Kuvi-Mendieta I don't have a Canadian birth certificate, I have a Florida birth certificate because, after all, I was born in Florida.
• Kuvi-Mendieta said a US birth certificate would not establish Canadian citizenship.
• I said, I know. I told her, but I also still have Ricky Riess's birth certificate from the previous time I was deported.
• Kuvi-Mendieta was enthused and said: "Oh, well that would work."

There's the first problem: I had just told her I was born in Florida and she acknowledged that a birth certificate from Florida would not be sufficient to issue a travel document because it actually proved I WAS NOT a Canadian national. But even though we just established I was born in Florida, not in Canada, I then told her I also have this other birth certificate, which isn't mine, but it's from Canada, and she immediately accepts that as proof I was born in Canada and am a Canadian citizen. It's as though she completely forgot what was said just five seconds earlier.

You would think Kuvi-Mendieta would have said something like: "Wait a second, you just said you were born in Florida. So how could you have a Canadian birth certificate?" But no! Apparently she's completely okay with believing I was born in both Florida and Ontario. That is, of course, impossible; and yet almost every Canadian government employee I've encountered seems completely okay with accepting it as a "fact".

The conversation continued as such:

• I said to Kuvi-Mendieta: "But you understand that Ontario birth certificate is not my birth certificate, right? It was obtained fruadulently, based on the information ICE provided me about Ricky Riess."
• She became confused.
• I further explained that I had applied for Ricky Riess's birth certificate using the information ICE gave me about Ricky Riess, and because ICE told me if I want to get out of their custody all I have to do is get Ricky Riess's birth certificate and let them deport me to Canada.
• That seemed to confuse her even more. It was as though her brain was incapable of accpeting the existence of anything which is contrary to what she was previously trained.
• Kuvi-Mendieta said: "But a passport was issued in your name."
• I responded, "Yes, based on the fraudulently obtained birth certificate."
• That confused her further.
• I told her Ricky Riess's birth certificate is with my friend in Los Angeles, and if it will help me get out of custody sooner, I can ask my friend to forward it to the consulate.

• Kuvi-Mendieta replied: "Yes, that would help a lot if you can have your friend send in your birth certificate."
• I said: "Wait, you want me to send you my birth certificate? My Florida birth certificate?"
• Kuvi-Mendieta said: "No, your Ontario birth certificate."

Now think about this for a second. Kuvi-Mendieta is not disputing that I have a Florida birth certificate or that I was born in Florida. She seems completely satisfied with believing I was born in both Florida and Ontario, Canada simultaneously.

The conversation continued:

• I told Kuvi-Mendieta: "Okay, but you understand that's not my birth certificate, right? I'm not the person named on that birth certificate."
• To which, Kuvi-Mendieta responded: "I thought you just said it was yours."
• I said: "No I didn't. I said it's someone else's birth certificate, which I obtained fraudulently."
• Kuvi-Mendieta said: "But it was issued to you, right?"
• I said, "Yes, based on a fraudulent application containing someone else's information."
• Kuvi-Mendieta's response: "Oh, okay. That'll be fine. Just have your friend send us your Ontario birth certificate."

Really! I'm not exaggerating. Her brain seemed to be incapable of comprehending that a birth certificate could be obtained fraudulently, using the other person's information. In her mind, the fact that the birth certificate was issued to me can only possibly mean I am the person named on it. And the fact that there may be two different birth certificates from two different countries, for the same person, doesn't seem to cause her any hesitation at all.

This is not just stupidity. This is so far beyond stupidity, it's as though she's a poorly written algorithm with no error handling or input validation; any inputs with values which fall outside what she expects are simply ignored.

The existence of people like Kuvi-Mendieta really make me think there might be something to simulation theory. She is an NPC if ever there was one.

Beyond that, I know nothing about Kuvi-Mendieta other than she's one of those obnoxious, pretentious women who get married and hyphenate their last name. Moreover, I have no interest in knowing anything more about her ... she's as relevant as that dust bunny floating across the floor.